Should I Think, or Should I Feel?

Should I think, or should I feel?
Should I love, or contemplate it?
Should I die, I hope you'll think
I was worth the waiting,
worth the pain.

But if I think, or if I feel,
you will still remember me,
though not the same, as I remember you.

There is an image,
somewhere behind the eye that disquises my mind
which captures you in profile,
eyes dancing in the Sun

It is a Morning, Almost Spring

it is a morning, almost Spring,
with singing birds
and a cold wind
blowing across the balcony

the little white flowers
carpet the grass
and hold me back
from cursing the winter
which is almost gone
and which I will remember fondly

there were walks in the snow
and in the rain
an unexpected meeting
at the airport
and unexpected blizzards
in a parking garage

unexpected mood swings
and unexpected deaths
unexpected espionage
and unexpected warmth

she says
"I must not expect"
and I say hmmm,
it is the unexpected that haunts me,
I must agree

how is your evening?

four words,
only one not monosyllabic
and my life
has changed
as my mind
and my soul have changed

how is your evening?
how is you life?
sensing my discomfort
and discontent
right to the core
she thrust the arrow
and found the reality
of needs
and wants
and unattended soul

if only this once I have indulged
that soul
if only this once
I have fed it
then it is too much
too much for the zenman
too much for the priest
too much for the father
and the husband

and only a beginning
for the man

there is a saying amongst the Bhuddists

namaste
i can say that gladly
to you
my beloved
namaste
i can say that freely
to you
my enemy

i wish you all joy
and freedom
from the torture
of the artist's mind
that my wife is living
and i
am emulating

To my cousin

should I feel sad for you
dear cousin?
or mad?
your son has killed his brother
and then himself
your girlfriend
severed her throat
with a circular saw
you married a child
to spite her
and that was before she died

is it sorrow
is it pity
is it anger
that you and I
share DNA?

I do not know
my cousin
if your black clothes
are an anthem
or an elegy

i sing this song, unnoticed

you will not hear the words
perhaps the melody will catch your soul
will catch your mind
will bring you back to me
a boring memory at best
a gagging sensation at worst

i was not good for you
although you chose to pursue me
i knew the end
before the beginning
and you
a deer
caught in the headlights
of experience
had found the dream
of every european woman
a new man
never before conquered
on this continent

and so i bow to your prowess
you are Diana
the huntress
and i
your wounded prey
look up at you
with the eyes of a dying animal
complacent
and unrepentant

distance, time, and memory

you are not so far from me
as the crow flies
nor are you far from me
in time
it is only memory
that make you seem
so far away
so long lost
so well loved
so unfulfilled
so unfullfilling

i did not love you
for a lifetime
nor have i spent a lifetime
loving

i move
from mind to mind
from dream to dream
the way a snowstorm moves
unrelenting
passionate
until some gentle breeze
warms my soul
and settles me again
in solitude